Why you can't stick to healthy habits (and what actually works)

You've seen the lists everywhere:

• Get eight hours of sleep without fail.

• Exercise daily, and don't forget to walk 10,000 steps

• Set boundaries - Get rid of all of those toxic energies!

• Practice gratitude - Even if you're depressed and can barely see beyond the tip of your nose

• Eat your vegetables -because it's 1000% your food choices that are making you sad

And sure, even though I am throwing shade at these recommendations, yes, this stuff does helps.

But when you're lying awake at 3 AM with your brain is doing its anxious cartwheel thing, or when saying no to someone makes your chest feel tight and panicky, or when depression makes even showering feel like climbing Mount Everest, those cheerful tips start to feel..... some kinda way.

And, it's not that the advice is wrong. It's that it assumes everyone starts from the same place. That everyone has 'the same twenty-four hours.' That everyone's brain works the same way. That everyone has the same relationship with sleep, food, movement, and saying no.

But we don't.

Here's what I've figured out after being a therapist for the better part of a decade: there's usually something else happening that makes these "simple" things feel impossible for some people.

Your brain might have learned that staying alert equals staying safe, so sleep feels like letting your guard down in enemy territory.

You might have grown up learning other people's needs always come first, so boundaries feel mean and selfish.

You might feel like you can't trust yourself or your body, because of past experiences, chronic illness, or just years of diet culture telling you that your body is the enemy. So committing to routine of physical exercise feels intimidating and anxiety provoking.

Or maybe you've been managing anxiety or depression for so long that you've forgotten what normal self-care even feels like.

There's a biiiiiiiiiiig space between knowing what helps, and actually being able to follow through with it. You can listen to all the podcasts, deep dive into every reddit thread, but being able to implement what you've learned, can be hard.

And, it's not actually about willpower. It's not about being lazy or broken. It's about figuring out what's actually getting in the way.

And here's where I get a little frustrated with 'productivity culture.' Because not everyone can automatically hack their way to optimal mental health when given a system.

And, don't get me wrong, some of these systems and productivity ideas are great, I've even used some myself. But they're not typically written from a trauma-informed place, and that can make "just wake up earlier," feel like a cruel joke.

Which is why I use love and use EMDR therapy in my therapy practice, because most people can't habit-stack their way out of trauma responses. Many people can't morning-routine their way out of nervous system dysregulation. And, the road of of gratitude-journaling your way out of depression, is pretty long.

Because, sometimes your body is holding onto old stuff that needs to be processed, not optimized.

Let me tell you about the time that I had hired a coach when I was first building my private practice. This coach was helping me with my business and brand messaging, and teaching me the ropes of copywriting and marketing in the online space. It was a lot of work, a steep learning curve, and I was struggling to keep up with the social media posting schedule they were encouraging me to follow.

When I expressed my feelings of exhaustion about social media, and how I was struggling to keep up with all the things in my business and life...

This was her response, and I'm not kidding you, "There are twenty-four hours in a day."

Now bare in mind, I received this when I was one year postpartum, still breastfeeding, my son was not yet sleeping through the night, I had started my return to work after maternity leave (at a child and youth community mental health organization not a chill return to work for a first time mom who was struggling with postpartum anxiety, btw), and I was beginning to build my private practice on the side.

And when I received this coach's message, you can imagine the shock, frustration and 'you've got to be kidding me feeling' that flooded my body.

After that experience with my (ex) coach, I started paying attention to what actually helps people maintain the basic habits that support their mental health without burning out, or feeling like failures.

And it turns out, the people who can actually stick to sleep routines, set boundaries that work, and take care of their basic needs during stressful times do something completely different.

Instead of trying to force themselves into someone else's system, they get curious about their own patterns. Instead of judging themselves for struggling with the "basics," they start asking what their resistance might be protecting them from. Or, if it's simply that they need to adjust their bar, because they already have a lot going on in their lives.

They work with their emotions instead of trying to hack around them. They learn that their nervous system isn't being difficult, it's doing its job based on what it learned was necessary to survive.

When someone finally starts sleeping through the night, it's usually not because they optimized their bedroom temperature or found the perfect evening routine. It's because we figured out what was keeping them wired and unable to sleep in the first place.

When someone starts saying no without feeling guilty, it's not because they memorized the perfect boundary script. It's because they worked through whatever made conflict feel dangerous.

Here's the thing: you probably already know what would help you sleep better, feel less anxious, or set better boundaries. The real question is what's making it so hard to actually do those things.

And that's exactly the kind of stuff therapy is actually good for. Not because you need someone to tell you to drink more water, but because sometimes you need help figuring out why taking care of yourself feels so complicated.